One two three a one two three and a one two three. . . counts my instructor around the dance floor of my fourth ballroom lesson. I am learning to listen to the counts and make the new steps all the while following his lead. It is vastly different from the bracing to a barre or looking at yourself in a mirror while learning new steps. There is no chance to look in the mirror and my instructor has become my moving frame and base. I travel backwards most of the time and have to trust where he is leading me. Also, since I am the newbie here, it is me I who is loosing count and missing a step or two. My instructor is full of patience. But better then the patience is the encouragement. It has been so long since I have heard words like these. Uplifting, moving, and they bring a smile to my face; partially because I scarcely believe them but also because I can feel with each new step and move that it could actually be true. Am I really picking this up quickly? Do I really move with grace across the floor? You think I would be able to perform in a month? What?!
As the lesson ends, I am on cloud nine. Elated with such joy that I had learned steps in Tango, Rumba, ChaCha, Foxtrot, and Waltz. Then the point came. My beautiful gift had come to the end and the realization of now beginning to pay for this was to ensue. But I was not prepare for the expense expected. There is no way! I could never afford that! God why?!!? in my temper tantrum in the car as tears rolled from my eyes. Why do I love things that I cannot afford and people that do not love me back?!?! Why am I such a waste and a disaster?! Why can I not be contempt with average and why do I so deeply desire extravagant, passion, and achievement? Why born a pauper with the refinement in my soul for a princess? The divide has torn at my soul my whole life. I was red in the eyes and devastated by the time I pulled up to pick up my children. I sighed deeply and resounded myself to the life that I have been given. Determined to go through my thankful list to change my attitude.
Later that night though in prayer I still felt the same! I needed to vent, so I turned to Facebook and broke out the words of my upset! WHY? What is wrong with me that I do not deserve that or that I cannot just be content with the simple something has to GIVE!! I felt in my hear the desires and I knew, I know, God will give you the desires of your heart so what am I doing so wrongly? I have given my heart, my soul, my life , my everything to you! I trust you and I want nothing less then to give you your will through me. Why do I still fall for the wrong people to love and still desire these things that I cannot afford?
The next day I walked back in there and almost begged for some unorthodox way to continue. . . “never give up on something you can not go a day without thinking about” Well gosh darn it! I want to Dance. I want to continue to partner dance! I got a call later and though the price is still steep it is practically a miracle from what they have asked of me before.. I said a quick prayer and said Yes!! I am stepping out on faith with this one. I know my heart is the Lord’s and I have given my dancing completely to Him. If it is something He wishes to use for His will then I will rejoice in every step even movement. If it ends up being a season then I will rejoice in this season and then afterwards for the blessing is has played in my life. I will however not give up on something that I cannot go a day without thinking about. And I will step out of the boat into faith. If Faith can move mountains , then this one is going to dance right out of my way!
Glory to God in the highest! I will dance and Rejoice. My steps in Faith.